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Top Tips for a Joy-Filled Marriage

By Karee Santos

God's Plan for Joy-Filled Marriage picMy husband Manuel P. Santos M.D. and I had an awesome time last weekend giving a presentation to around 40 couples in the Archdiocese of Newark on how to live God’s Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage. This great pre-Cana program covers the topics of sacramentality and sexuality, and it’s chock full of quotes from Pope St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body and his book Love and Responsibility. I gave the talk on the Wedding at Cana (one of my favorite Bible stories), and Manny gave the talk on the Church’s definition of marriage, annulments and impediments to marriage.

As is true in any large group, there was a wide range of knowledge and interest. Not everyone had heard the story of the Wedding at Cana, and some people were more familiar with the fictitious marriage of Jesus and Mary Magdalen than the mystical marriage between Jesus and the Church. It was truly a privilege to be the first ones to introduce some of these people to the beautiful theology of Catholic marriage.

The Joy-Filled Marriage program is given several times a year, and attendees are always given the opportunity to place anonymous questions in a question box. Here are some of the most common issues and our top tips for dealing with them.

1.  The “Inter-Faith” Question

My fiance and are are of different faiths.  What problems might we encounter, and how do we have a successful inter-faith marriage?

  • The biggest problems that many inter-faith couples face are celebrating holidays and passing their faith on to their children.
  • Religious holidays can be celebrated at home as well as in church (or at temple). Customize your at-home celebrations to reflect aspects of both faith traditions.
  • When couples get married in the Church, the Catholic spouse needs to promise to raise the children in the Catholic faith. Discuss before the wedding how that promise affects church attendance, school attendance, and participation in religious milestones like First Communion or Confirmation. Don’t sweep the issue under the rug.

2.  The “Communication” Question

What are the best ways to improve our communication?

  • Don’t roll your eyes or slam doors.
  • If you can’t talk about it calmly, write it down instead.
  • Never let the sun go down on your anger. Give your spouse a hug or kiss of forgiveness before bedtime, and tomorrow begin again!

3. The “First Year” Question

What was the toughest part of the first year of marriage?

  • Sometimes couples with the best relationships encounter severe crises in the first year (we faced fears of infertility, death of a close family member, and the diagnosis of Manny’s first brain tumor). Don’t let it get you down.
  • Friends might complain that you spend less time with them than before. Make it clear that your top priority is your spouse.
  • You might be tempted to spend less time at work. Give in!

4.  The “Sexual Frustration” Question

If we choose to save sex for marriage, how do we deal with the unmet physical desire?

  • Amp up the romance. Channel the frustration into loving, non-physical demonstrations of affection.
  • Stay far away from temptation — don’t play with fire!
  • If you give in, go to confession. If you give in again, go to confession again.

5.  The “In-Law” Question

My fiance has family that get into our personal business and I feel like they influence him/her more than I do sometimes.  Am I wrong to be upset?  What can be done?

  • Let your fiance know how much this bothers you. Agree to set firm but loving boundaries between you and both of  your families.
  • You and your fiance can listen respectfully and thank family members for their advice, while making it clear that the final decision is between the two of you as a couple.
  • Realize that what your in-laws really want in most cases is for you and your fiance to be happy.

Does your diocese use God’s Plan for a Joy-Filled Marriage? If you work in marriage ministry or adult faith formation, what are the most common questions you hear? Please let me know in the comments.

Read all posts by Karee Santos Filed Under: Catechetics, General, Sacraments Tagged With: Catholic marriage, chris west, communication, inlaws, interfaith marriage, interreligious marriage, marriage, sexuality

Chris West Will Write Foreword to our Marriage Advice Book!!

By Karee Santos

Wedding Rings on BibleIn every informal poll we conducted on social media, when we asked who would be the BEST person to write a foreword to a Catholic marriage advice book, readers overwhelmingly responded, “Chris West.” We are thrilled to announce that he said “yes” to our request!

As many of you know, Chris is a best selling author, speaker, teacher and world-renowned expert in John Paul II’s Theology of the Body. Chris’ book Good News about Sex and Marriage, published for the first time in 2000, is still one of the most popular Catholic marriage advice books on the market. His pre-Cana program God’s Plan for a Joy-filled Marriage is used for marriage preparation in dioceses across the country.

My husband Manuel P. Santos M.D. and I have been dreaming of and praying for this moment for more than ten years.  Back in 2003, we designed a pre-Cana curriculum based on the teaching of Pope St. John Paul II, but couldn’t find a text to accompany the program. So we began a labor of love encompassing intensive research, a book proposal, a publishing contract with Ave Maria Press, editing, and finally a title:

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love:

How Your Catholic Marriage Can

Bring You Joy for a Lifetime

As the book gets closer to publication next spring, we’ll be sending out digital previews for catechists and Adult Faith Formation Professionals who might want to use the book in their small groups or classes. Please email me at santoskaree at gmail dot com to get on the list to receive a free digital preview!

And here’s more about our book from the publisher Ave Maria Press:

The Four Keys to Everlasting Love offers a warm catechesis that illustrates how God’s plan for marriage can turn self-centered individuals into a united couple capable of experiencing deep, lasting, and soul-satisfying love in their everyday lives. The Four Keys to Everlasting Love shows how the intentional practice of Biblical principles in key areas of life can inspire couples to stay in love with each other, in love with Christ, and in love with the wisdom of the Catholic Church.

In addressing universal issues like sex, money, health, child-rearing, in-laws, and work-life balance, this book incorporates examples drawn from Dr. Manuel Santos’ psychiatric practice, as well as shared stories from the authors’ family life. The philosophy of Pope St. John Paul II played a powerful role in shaping the contours of the book, which explores the sacramentality of marriage contained in the late pope’s Theology of the Body and his encyclicals on family life (Familiaris Consortio; Gratissimam Sane), sexuality (Evangelium Vitae), and work (Laborem Exercens).

Direct, informative, helpful, and encouraging, this book celebrates the gift of our Catholic faith without downplaying the difficulties we face in living in a world that no longer seems to believe in the permanence of marriage or the value of trusting in God’s will for us. This book does not adopt a one-size-fits-all spirituality.  It is distinctively and joyfully Catholic.

Don’t forget to email santoskaree at gmail dot com to receive a free digital preview for catechists and adult faith formation professionals!

Read all posts by Karee Santos Filed Under: Catechetics, General Tagged With: chris west, marriage enrichment, marriage preparation, pre-Cana, Theology of the Body

13 Resources on Sacramental Marriage for Everyone from Newbies to Catechists

By Karee Santos

Girl with glasses reading book

Catholic schoolchildren learn that marriage is one of the seven sacraments, but no one seems to understand what that really means. Yes, marriage — as a sacrament — is an outer sign of an inner grace, but that doesn’t explain much to most people. The catchphrase “free, faithful, fruitful, and forever” says more about what spouses do for a marriage than what marriage does for the spouses.

I like how my spiritual director says it best — it’s all about the graces! With a sacramental marriage come beautiful graces of state that empower us to live the life to which God called us and live it to the fullest. That’s what the Sacrament of Matrimony offers husbands and wives married in the Church, “sealed by a blessing, announced by angels, and ratified by the Father” (CCC 1642).

For anyone interested in exploring what the sacrament of marriage means and the difference it can make to husbands and wives, there are plenty of video and print resources for everyone from theology newbies to experienced catechists.

For Theology Newbies

1. Marriage: Love and Life in the Divine Plan, 2009 pastoral letter from the U.S.Council of Catholic Bishops, downloadable pdf available free at the bishops’ web site (also in Spanish)

2.  Saying I Do: What Happens at a Catholic Wedding, streaming video resource from the U.S. Council of Catholic Bishops, available free at the bishops’ web site

3. When Two Become One, a DVD starring yours truly and 3 other couples, plus explanation by a priest. Available for purchase here. Watch a clip on my blog’s About Me page here.

4. Dr. Greg and Lisa Popcak, Just Married: The Catholic Guide to Surviving and Thriving in the First Five Years of Marriage (Ave Maria Press, 2013). By a popular Catholic psychologist and his wife.

5. Couples in Love: Straight Talk on Dating, Respect, Commitment, Marriage, and Sexuality, by Fr. John R. Waiss (Crossroad Pub. 2003). By my former spiritual director. Structured as a conversation between a dating couple and a priest.

For Theology Buffs

6. Bishop Fulton J. Sheen, Three to Get Married (Scepter Pubs., 1996). Originally published in 1951. A spiritual classic.

7. Scott Hahn, First Comes Love: The Family in the Church and the Trinity (Random House, 2002). Who doesn’t like Scott Hahn?

8. Christopher West, Good News about Sex & Marriage: Revised Edition (Servant Books, 2004; updated 2007). Detailed, specific, and clear.

9. William May, Marriage: The Rock on Which the Family is Built, 2d ed. (Ignatius Press, 2009). Includes Pope John Paul II’s Letter to Families.

10. Cormac Burke, Covenanted Happiness: Love and Commitment in Marriage (Scepter Pubs., 1999). With forward by Dr. Janet E. Smith.

For Catechists

11. Ramón García De Haro, Marriage and the Family in the Documents of the Magisterium: A Course in the Theology of Marriage, (Ignatius Press, 1993).  Translated by William May. Academic and pretty heavy going. Helps if you already have familiarity with the main documents.

12. Tim Muldoon & Cynthia S. Dobrzynski, eds., Love One Another: Catholic Reflections on Sustaining Marriages Today (The Church in the 21st Century), (Crossroad Pub., 2010).  A collection of essays including advice on how to rescue marriage prep from its current disastrous state.

13. Mary Amore, Helping Your Marriage Survive the Call to Ministry, Ministry & Liturgy Magazine,  vol 32, no.1, (Feb. 2005). Great for any married person involved in ministry or catechesis. Call 408-286-8505 for back issues or reprints.

Read all posts by Karee Santos Filed Under: Catechetics Tagged With: can we cana, Catholic marriage, chris west, fulton sheen, greg popcak, marriage, sacrament of marriage, sacrament of matrimony, scott hahn

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