Therapeutic Archives - Amazing Catechists

How Laughter Can Help When You’re Grieving

Laughter might be the last thing on your mind when you’ve lost a loved one, a job, a home, or are experiencing financial difficulty. Even if you’re a good-natured person inherently, it’s hard to see beyond the struggle when you’re in the midst of it.

Despite this reality, engaging in a hearty belly laugh now and then is surprisingly very healing, both physiologically and emotionally. Laughter accesses the limbic system, the part of our brains that houses emotional processing and responses. When you laugh so hard you cry, you’re actually reaping double benefits, too: Research shows evidence that tears shed during times of extreme stress have a different chemical makeup than those shed when you’re temporarily sad.

Here are some ways laughter can help you when you’re grieving:

Find a funny friend and suggest a night out. If you can’t get out, invite him/her over. Let loose and allow yourself to double over with puns, slapstick, dry, or whatever type of humor triggers your funny bone.
Watch your favorite comedy. Or try a stand-up comedian. Ben and I really love the “clean comics” Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan. They never fail to make us wheeze with laughter.
Do something fun. “Fun” is almost always the last thing on everyone’s list when they are grieving. Even if you can’t imagine going out, do it anyway. Your mind, body, and soul need a break.
Read a funny book. If you don’t know of any, ask around.
Look for humorous memes online. There are plenty. All you have to do is Google!

Though it might seem frivolous or trite, it’s important to take time out to relax, regroup, and find something refreshing to help you refocus on the joys in life. Even if you burst into guffaws at the oddest moments or for the strangest reasons, go with it. I can’t explain the times when Ben and I have shared a good belly laugh over something like an inside joke or a ridiculous story or comment. There’s something very healing and cathartic that occurs.

When you laugh, you clear your mind. Your body’s tension will loosen, and you will feel the visceral response of stress leaving your body, and you will feel stronger and more capable of tackling all the burdens you are facing.

Paraphrased from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

What is Grief?

By Jeannie Ewing

Popular counselors tend to affirm the common definition of grief in our western culture: that it is a period of designated mourning following the death of a loved one. While this is certainly true, it is a narrow and limited understanding of what grief encompasses. Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard for most of us to recognize when we are grieving.

What I have learned, both from personal experience and in my professional background, is that grief includes any significant and devastating loss. This could be the death of your beloved pet; the sudden loss of your job; a child born with a genetic condition or disability (as in our case); a spouse who has left you; caring for an elderly parent who is suffering from dementia; struggling in the aftermath of sexual assault; recovering from PTSD as a military veteran; making ends meet as a single mother; healing after abortion; hidden sorrow from a miscarriage or stillbirth.

There are countless life circumstances that trigger our grief experiences. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it does help to get us thinking – or rethinking – about what grief is and how it affects us when life goes in a direction other than what we’d imagined.

Here are some points to remember when you are grieving:

Any loss that is significant in your life can cause grief. You might feel sad, lost, lonely, or angry. These are some of the normal feelings associated with loss.
Change can provoke a sense of loss, too. Every change in life – moving, having a baby, getting a new job – entails both good and bad, the possibilities of what is in store as well as the loss of what is left behind.
There is no timeline for grief! Despite what others may believe, or what you might also think, grief happens on its own terms. You can neither predict nor hasten how you will experience grief.
Be gentle and patient with yourself when you are grieving. There will be days or weeks that seem more “normal” to you, but you may have what you feel are setbacks – moments of frustration, longing for what once was and is no longer, a crying spell after hearing a song.
Grief involves physical and emotional changes in your life, but don’t neglect the spiritual dimension of grief. Our faith tells us that suffering is not lost upon God when we hand it to Him with humility and sincerity. Suffering is redemptive in this way.
Find ways to process your pain. For some, this includes journaling memories or perhaps creating visual art. For others, it might be taking a walk, talking to a trusted friend or pastor, Eucharistic Adoration.

My hope is that we will shift our focus from eschewing suffering to embracing it. A wonderful devotion for those who are suffering is the Divine Mercy chaplet and novena. We would all do well to extend mercy to ourselves and others who are grieving a loss.

(Note: I will include a separate post about Divine Mercy related to grief at a later date.)

Paraphrased from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

Learning to Live with Mystery

By Amanda Woodiel

The Christian worldview is chock full of mystery. How Jesus is both true God and true Man; how God is Three Persons but One Substance; how Jesus comes to us–body, blood, soul, and divinity–under the appearances of bread and wine: these are some of the great mysteries of our faith. We are steeped in these mysteries, and we are comfortable (for the most part) that our finite minds cannot fully comprehend the greatness of God. After all, some say, how much of a god is a God who is completely understood?

The mysteries of each other, however–those mysteries engender more discomfort. Whenever we hear of a tragedy intentionally perpetrated, the first question is usually “Why?” Why would someone do that? We seek to understand, because somehow understanding brings with it some measure of comfort.

But what if we can’t understand? And what if the mystery is closer to our own hearts: someone close to us who has hurt us unimaginably? When we try to sort out “why?” or “how could he?”–well, that mystery is almost unbearable.

I had always held closely a hope that when my father died, the mystery of his activities and his intentions would be solved. He passed away recently, and along with the grief of losing a parent and the shock of its suddenness, comes the grief that the mystery–instead of being revealed–has instead become more clouded and more strange.

What do we do when we must live with the mysteries of a human soul that we cannot penetrate? Clearly, I will not know more about my father’s thoughts, motivations, or activities in this life. The pieces simply don’t fit together no matter how many times I have turned them over in my mind.

When a painful mystery of life so presses upon our minds and hearts that it feels like murky waters poised to engulf us, it seems to me that we have two options. We can struggle against it, flailing our limbs in an attempt to stay upright. We can try to analyze the mystery and expend untold energy and time trying to unravel events, sort out truth, and understand the motivations of another’s heart.

Sometimes, though, we simply can’t fathom the answer. In that event, not all is lost, for we can learn to float. We can submit to our human nature. The fact is, we were not made to know all–certainly not the workings that lie at the bottom of another’s soul. We can adopt a posture of humility and lie peacefully atop the surface of the water. One way saps strength; the other preserves it. One keeps our eyes fixed on the sphere below; the other trains our eyes toward heaven.

Fortunately, truth isn’t only a set of facts but is a Person. I can choose to rest in Truth, who is Jesus Christ. Here I accept the finite nature of my human mind and yield to the God who is infinite but who loves me so completely that he came to me in history and comes to me in the Mass. I don’t understand the mystery of my father, but He does. Furthermore, if it were to my soul’s good that I unravel the mystery surrounding my dad, He would show it to me. He hasn’t yet. He might one day, but today and all days, I can rest in utter assurance that not knowing must be for my best.

When you encounter a mystery in life that cannot be solved–learn to float. You might catch a glimpse of heaven.

My Hand In Yours, Our Hands In His – Marriage Workbook!

By Lisa Mladinich

Kimberly Cook

I had the joy of talking with Kimberly Cook–Catholic blogger, author, mom, and mental health professional–about her new marriage workbook. I’m so excited to share this on the one Valentine’s Day that begins on Ash Wednesday! Isn’t love about dying to self and imitating Christ?

Lisa: Tell me about the marriage workbook. How did it come to be and what was the inspiration behind it?

Kimberly: I worked in church ministries for many years before getting married and have always heard a lot of criticism about how the Church is lacking in good continuing formation for married couples. I found this to be a common problem, with parishes lacking resources that had to be searched for by the diligent faithful in order to obtain them. Another challenge for faith-based marriage resources is getting couples to commit to participating. Many spouses are not willing to be part of a marriage retreat or parish group. For these reasons, I decided to develop a mini-retreat from home!

Lisa: What an awesome idea. I had a chance to read through much of the program, and I was very impressed. Explain how the Marriage Workbook is laid out and what the format is that couples follow?

Kimberly: Thanks! The couples enter into a simple and guided course, from the comfort of their own homes, and at their own pace. Each week highlights one of the seven virtues, specifically as it applies to the vocation of marriage. Each chapter explains the virtue in practical terms and then offers study nights, with an accompanying scripture verse, discussion nights, and reflection nights. The expected amount of time each week is three nights of 20-30 minutes each.

Lisa: That sounds so do-able. I love it. Who is this Workbook meant for and how can benefit from using it?

Kimberly: The Workbook is meant for the average Catholic in the pew, but can be delved into much more deeply for those who have a more advanced understanding of the faith. The Workbook is specifically designed for couples who are at least a few years into marriage, and the priest who is overseeing the development and review of the Workbook says that he would like to see couples do this Workbook every 5 years of their marriage.

Lisa: That sounds so wise. I think we need to check back in with each other in different phases of our lives. What are your goals for the program?

Kimberly: Our hope is that, in offering married couples a material with a solid formation, rooted in the virtues, they will be more inclined to work through and grow in their marriage covenant with one another – particularly as it is able to be encountered privately in the home.

Lisa: Wonderful! Okay readers, just click any of the images in this post to be taken to Kimberly’s blog page, where you can order the workbook for yourself and your Valentine! Thank you, so much, Kimberly!

Christ: The Divine Baggage Handler

By Gabe Garnica

Have you ever arrived at the airport determined to carry your own bags to your check -in line without the assistance of a baggage handler? You figured you could avoid that tip and start your vacation on a money saving note. For every passenger “going it alone” there is another asking for help with one carry-on bag trying to avoid breaking a nail or getting sweaty. In between, of course, are the passengers who may have physical limitations preventing them from carrying heavy bags, or the families which divide the task to lessen the load.

Let’s face it; carrying heavy bags is no fun and, most people, given a chance, would avoid this task as much as possible. The problem, of course, is that many people do not want to pay the expected tip to the baggage handler. If the service was completely free, many more people would take advantage of the help. Others refuse to acknowledge that they need the help, and can often be seen proclaiming “I got it” as they risk a double hernia and wrap a third bag around their neck. The reality is that we all carry luggage from time to time, whether we like it or not.

Like many people, I have unpleasant memories of carrying heavy bags. Whether the load was a schoolbag ready to burst with books and assignments, luggage ready to burst with too many clothes for not enough vacation time, or shopping bags ready to burst with too many purchases with not enough money, I have come to associate luggage and bags with annoying burdens.

If dragging a small inheritance around is such a drag, one might wonder why so many of us do it so often. Sometimes, we may have no choice, as when we simply must take many things somewhere. Many times, however, the load is our own doing, and the burden is our own creation.

I once read that we could reduce the amount and weight of what we lug around by 80% if we simply planned ahead, seriously examined whether or not we needed some of the stuff we carry, and made a determined effort to be more efficient. One study concluded that at least half of what we drag around is stuff that we always drag around because we are too lazy or distracted to remove it or decide if it is necessary at the present. In other words, more than half of our burdens, our luggage, and the heavy physical, emotional, and intellectual heavy lifting we do come from habit. We develop a script, a menu, a to- do list, a set of daily ingredients, and then we wrap ourselves around that stuff as if it were a flotation device or a life jacket. Regardless of how much luggage we drag around, we can classify said baggage into four distinct categories as described below.

Harms………This is the stuff we have done wrong, otherwise known as our sins. Many people accumulate loads of sinful baggage which they refuse to unload out of pride, embarrassment, or fear. I do not know about you, but I feel like a giant weight has been removed when I go to confession. Imagine tons of this garbage piling up in your conscience and life and realize how the task of removal only gets more difficult and less likely with time.

Hiccups…..These are the regrets in our lives. We all carry loads of old life stories and issues with us. The class I did not study for, the job I did not take, the person I did not ask out, and the care for my health that I did not take seriously enough are just some examples. Life is like a newspaper. We should read and learn from the news and then throw the old paper away. Living in the past is a terrible prison and weight on our lives.

Hopes….These are the things we are dying to do, achieve, or experience. Perhaps you want to retire at a certain age, or maybe you want to earn or save a certain amount of money by a given age in the future. Many call these hopes their bucket list, or things they want to do before they die. It is one thing to aspire, plan, and work toward goals. Likewise, it is commendable to strategize, build, and focus on a given task. However, it is a counterproductive, virtual life prison to wrap your entire life around constantly working toward these hopes 24/7.

Hurts….These are the wounds others have inflicted on us. How often do we drag around resentments and bitterness while the person who hurt us is oblivious or could not care less. We think that we are using this anger as a weapon of revenge, but we are only hurting ourselves. Ignoring the culprit feels right as you do it but, in the long run, such things only breed more hurt and harm.

The solution to all of this, of course, is to let Christ be your Divine Baggage Handler. Leave all of this stuff in His hands, and have faith that He will take care of your luggage. The only tips you need to give Him are your love, obedience, faith, trust, and devotion. So, the next time you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders, take a load off via Christ and give yourself a break.

2016 Gabriel Garnica

The Best Way to Handle Suffering is to EAT it !

By Gabe Garnica

Been There, Done That?

We all feel acquainted enough with suffering to fancy ourselves authorities on the subject. Certainly, whether we admit it or not, we mingle much of the suffering in our lives with equal parts resentment, bitterness, anger, and whining. In fact, we often add cries of injustice as a frosting to this exercise in self. Look, I do not pretend for a second that many people have not experienced more than their fair share of terrible suffering, injustice, and pain. Neither do I dare ignore the fact that many people seem to fall from one misfortune to another while others seemingly dance through life like privileged elites immune to tears and fears. I have an aunt, for example, whose life has been nothing but a series of illnesses, bad breaks, and unfair results. She ended up in a wheelchair at an early age and things have only gotten worse since then, leaving her practically blind today as well.

Unfairness is Part of Life

The reality is that people experience different kinds and levels of suffering, completely independent of their relative goodness, innocence, fault, or success. Some already happy, healthy, and successful people never seem to suffer; while many depressed, unhealthy, and unlucky folks seem to only receive more suffering on top of their present struggles.

Saints certainly do not have a get-out-of –jail card when it comes to suffering. Most of them experienced one difficulty after another, a litany of misfortunes, and enough unfairness to last a few lifetimes. The fact that being closer to God often only means suffering more than others only adds to this whole perception of suffering as random unfairness inflicted on us by a God munching on popcorn while we cry.

Follow the Leader

It is at this point, when we are almost ready to toss up our hands in disgust and refuse to participate any further in this seemingly twisted game of pain, however, that we need to pause, take a reality check, and get a grip. First, let us consider that Our Lord, the most innocent and faultless person that ever lived, suffered far more than any human ever will, for sins He did not commit, at the hands and accusations of people steeped in sin themselves. Second, note that Christ did not let this stupendous injustice deter Him from exhibiting forgiveness, kindness, and compassion toward even those who caused His suffering. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, realize that Our Lord provided us with the most powerful and effective strategy for transcending suffering, and even using it as a vehicle for sanctification and salvation. Simply stated, and promoted by such greats of our Faith as St. Alphonsus Liguori, that strategy is to EAT the suffering in our lives.

E………….First, we must embrace whatever suffering comes our way just as Christ embraced His cross. Anne Catherine Emmerich, the great mystic, even wrote that Our Lord kissed His cross upon receiving it. Being a Christian means following Christ, and following Christ means following Him as we carry our relatively small crosses. We cannot carry our crosses if we do not embrace them upon receiving them. We can never accept something unless we first embrace it and hold it. In the context of suffering, then, we must first pick up our crosses and embrace them if we pretend to emulate He who willingly embraced His cross. Embracing in this context is more the physical and actual interaction with the suffering that faces us. The cancer patient who follows the doctor’s orders and undergoes the numerous tests and procedures instead of sitting home avoiding what is necessary to do is a prime example of someone who is embracing suffering rather than avoiding it.

A…………Second, we must move beyond merely embracing our suffering and learn to accept it. Embracing and accepting in this context do not mean the same thing. Simon embraced Christ’s cross, but unwillingly at first. St. Catherine Emmerich tells us that, as Simon connected with Who Christ was and what He was doing, he came to feel compassion for Him and more willingly embraced the task he had initially accepted by force. When the above cancer patient moves beyond merely undergoing tests to refraining from crying “Why me” or cursing at everyone in sight, acceptance has begun.

T…………Once we have truly embraced and accepted the suffering that comes our way, out of a desire to please God or avoid offending Him, we need to move to the next and final phase in confronting suffering with an eye toward Heaven. In order to sanctify our suffering, we must transform that suffering from a bad thing we tolerate into a good thing we relish. No, I have not lost my mind, but if we do not take this final step we may well lose our chance to use our earthly sufferings as the steps toward Heaven.

Three Step Toward Sanctification and Salvation

Embracing suffering is akin to willingly going to a drug store, buying, and then drinking unpleasant medicine. It is an external compliance, acknowledgement, and consent to the need to take that medicine, regardless of how unpleasant that medicine may be. Accepting that suffering, however, goes beyond that. It occurs when we internalize the external compliance and move from merely going through the motions to avoid trouble, criticism, or looking bad. This is akin to taking the unpleasant medicine regularly as prescribed because we turn the task into a desired habit toward the goal of becoming better. Likewise, when we internalize suffering and see it as a chance for grace and sanctification, we have begun to accept that suffering as something useful, albeit unpleasant, which is better than bitterly cursing it.

The final, and most important step, however, is when we transform suffering from something unpleasant we tolerate for a purpose into something blessed and privileged that we relish as a gift from God. You heard it right, suffering in this world is a gift from God that few ever embrace, accept, much less transform.

The Sacred Secret to Transforming Suffering

The secret to transforming suffering from a tolerated unpleasant chore into a relished pleasant blessing is not to be found in human nature or experience, for our weak and superficial humanity is incapable of ever truly rejoicing in the face of pain, suffering, misfortune, or mistreatment. In fact, human nature dictates just the opposite and, more often than not, suggests that we gripe, curse, blame, play the victim card, experience envy, or seek revenge. Sadly, human nature would have us lose whatever graces we may have been able to scrape from tolerating suffering for the sake of our eternal salvation. Few of us, if any, have the dedication, strength, and resolve to tolerate unpleasantness for so long and for such a wavering reason. How then, did the saints do it? Was it because they possessed some supernatural, inner gift that we are incapable of finding within ourselves? Gladly, the answer is that we each possess the secret strategy to follow in the steps of the saints to transform suffering from a tolerated unpleasant thing into a desired blessing.

As described by Alphonsus Liguori and Fulton Sheen, the secret is to simply accept everything, good and bad, that happens in your life as coming from God for a purpose perhaps only known to Him which is consistent with your salvation and mission in life. More often than not our gripes, complaints, and distaste for suffering come from seeing it from our own temporary, temporal, and personal perspective. However, if we view suffering and misfortune as coming from God for God’s ultimate purpose and truly love and trust God as always doing what is right by us, then we will obtain greater peace, contentment, patience, and solace than ever possible on our own terms!

Conclusion

Even Our Lord allowed His humanity to pause in the face of suffering, going as far as asking if the cup reserved for Him could be avoided. However, Our Lord, and countless saints after Him, ultimately viewed suffering, not as an unpleasant chore to be tolerated for the sake of avoiding evil but, much more pleasantly and powerfully, as a blessed opportunity for following the Will of God, as Our Lord exemplified at Gethsamane and Calvary.

For us mere mortals, moreover, suffering in this world should rightly be seen as a chance to pay the debt of our sins in this life rather than in eternity where, if we play our cards right, we will enjoy the rewards of loyalty and dedication to God. Thus, it is true that the secret to turning suffering into a blessing is to EAT that suffering. Ultimately, suffering will move us farther from God if it becomes about us and closer to God if we turn it into all about following God’s Will.

2016 Gabriel Garnica

Broken Gods: REVIEW

By Lisa Mladinich

REVIEW: Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the 7 Longings of the Human Heart, by Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D. (Image Books)

Did you know that God is slowly transforming you into a god and that a holy code exists that unlocks the secrets of this process?

From the earliest days of the Church, this process, called “divinization,” has been recognized and believed by all of Christianity. Since God shares his nature with us through adoption, and since his grace transforms and heals us as we journey toward heaven, we gradually become more authentic reflections of his divine image: glorious, perfect, and completely fulfilled.

But of what use is this insight to us as we struggle to comprehend our everyday joys and sorrows?

Dr. Gregory K. Popcak, an eminent and faithful Catholic psychologist and radio host has authored many superb books, some of which I own and love. His newest title, which I received from his publisher for review, Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the 7 Longings of the Human Heart, continues to raise the bar on his greatest strength: synthesizing faith, science, and psychology in ways that empower relationships and nourish souls.

Since the fall of human kind, human beings created in the image and likeness of God, willed into existence in order to share in the divine nature, have been broken and confused about our own worth and destiny. Our deepest longings, Popcak explains, can lead us deeper into confusion or, when properly understood, can mark a powerful and beautiful path of sanctity, joy, and ultimate fulfillment.

Popcak’s thrilling work explores the seven principle desires of the human heart for abundance, dignity, justice, peace, trust, well-being, and communion, and reveals the holy code hidden within our sufferings. By weaving psychology, science, spirituality, engaging case studies, and a simple, but powerful, step-by-step system for increasing understanding and self-awareness, he unpacks those buried longings so that we can pursue them more authentically through the prism of God’s call to our hearts.

I underlined so much and turned down so many pages that struck and inspired me that I’d have to quote most of the book in order to provide a complete understanding of why I so highly recommend this unique work; so I’ll have to pick just a few excerpts and ideas and let you discover the rest on your own!

Popcak really got my attention early in the book with this:

Though we are often tempted to feel that our lives and hopes and dreams are burning down around us, deification is the blueprint that allows us to rebuild our lives from the ashes and become everything God intended us to be from the beginning… Understanding deification enables us to finally stop running from our sins and instead begin running toward divinity. (p. 7)

On page 11, Popcak references an image taken from the prodigal son’s return, saying that God meets us as we humbly approach him in fear and trembling:

And yet, even that understandable fear is cast out by the perfect love (see 1 Jn 4:18) that flows from the heart of God, who calls to us, runs to meet us on the road, and wraps his finest cloak–his divinity–around us (see Lk 15:22).

I’ll give you a sense of how much just the foundational chapters effected me. In a section called, “The Inner Ache” (p. 14), I had an epiphany and wrote this in the margin:

Do I believe that God, in his desire to share his nature with me, has truly AMAZING plans for my life? If I do, then my dreams are SACRED and should have my TOTAL COMMITMENT.

In Chapter Two, the author asks,

What if there was a way to stop being afraid of your desires?

and goes on to explain that

…even your most neurotic and destructive desires can be transformed into an engine of divine actualization that can propel you down the path toward both a more joyful life in the present and the fulfillment of your ultimate destiny… (p. 17)

Later he says,

These seven divine longings have such tremendous potential to propel us toward divinization that Satan works hard to keep them hidden where we are least likely to look, behind the parts of ourselves we hate the most. (p. 25)

Did you catch that? The greatest treasures of our souls are often hidden in our self-hatred.

Lest you suspect that the book merely proposes these life-altering, hope-filled ideas, the rest of his work is specific, practical, and sites fascinating examples of actual individuals and couples whose lives and relationships were profoundly healed through the methods Popcak employs, based on these concepts.

Both our bodies and our brains are hardwired for holiness. Using neuroscience, genetic studies, and the theology of the body, Dr. Popcak reveals the innate wisdom of our bodies: when we live according to God’s plan, we are healthier and happier, and it is easier to think and learn! Within the path of sanctity lie all the secrets to our ultimate destiny: union with God and the most perfect expression of our holy individuality.

Presenting a basic recipe for happiness–through meaningfulness, intimacy, and virtue–and by defining and illuminating each concept spiritually, practically, and–sometimes–poetically, the author helps us to appreciate the fundamentals of a life lived to the very full–that answers all the deepest desires of the human heart.

The book includes one of the most fascinating bibliographies I have ever seen (my “buy” list is substantial), and closes with a strong chapter called, “Approaching Divinity.” One of my favorite comments utilizes the image of the wedding feast, with Christ as the groom:

Through these longings, God gets down on one knee and holds out–not a ring–but his Sacred Heart. He is proposing to make you whole, and to show you how you can live in his love for all eternity. He is asking you if you would do him the honor of letting him fulfill your deepest desires so that you will never want for anything again, and so that you can discover how to love yourself the way he loves you. (p. 182)

This extraordinary resource is newly released today!

I highly recommend Broken Gods: Hope, Healing, and the Seven Longings of the Human Heart, by Gregory K. Popcak, Ph.D. (Image Books)

For more help, support and information, contact Dr. Popcak’s organization, Pastoral Solutions Institute. To make an appointment to speak with a counselor, call 740-266-6461, or check out his website, www.CatholicCounselors.com.