About Jeannie Ewing

Jeannie Ewing is a Catholic spirituality writer who focuses on the topics of grief, redemptive suffering, and waiting. Her four books include a meditation journal, a devotional, and two books on the topic of discovering joy in the midst of grief and waiting with expectation. She is a frequent guest on Catholic radio and contributes to several online and print Catholic periodicals. For more information, please visit her website lovealonecreates.com.

5 Ways to Wait with Purpose

By Jeannie Ewing

Advent is a perfect liturgical season to apply what we have learned and understand about the spirituality of waiting – its purpose and gift for us from God. Because taking a lofty spiritual concept can be difficult to break down in terms of practical application to everyday living, it’s important to understand particular steps that can assist us in using our seasons of waiting with intention.

This Advent, try to be sincere in your effort to wait with purpose. Turn to God with these five ways of entering into dialogue with him as only a guideline to understand more deeply what he is asking of you or telling you in your time of waiting.

A brief preface of these five steps is this: You may enter into the first few cyclically for months or even years before you reach the prepare phase. This is because preparation often requires a very refined and fine-tuned faith in which God will chisel and prune you in order to move you closer to a specific call or mission.

Listen

We can never expect to glean clarity in our uncertainty or holy tension if we don’t regularly enter into the sanctuary of our own hearts, nestled in silence. Solitude is absolutely imperative for us to hear God speak to our hearts.

Though it’s difficult to do in my current state as a wife and mother to three young daughters, I create a sacred space every day to enter into the heart of God through silence. This is how I begin my daily prayers and devotions. I gather my prayer journal, daily inspirational flip calendar, liturgical companion Magnificat, and seasonal devotions, if applicable. Then I breathe and gaze at an image of the Sacred Heart of Jesus mounted above our holy water font in the living room.

Listening means we turn our ears toward another. We must eliminate every distraction possible if we are to effectively hear that “still, small voice” within.

Ponder

Sometimes God is silent when we seek him in solitude, but there are occasions when he will give you a bold message. Prepare yourself for all sorts of surprises led by the Holy Spirit! When you read Scripture, and a particular word or phrase or passage really jolts or sears your heart, pay attention. Write it down and mull it over for a few moments.

Ask some questions about it. For example, while I was writing Waiting with Purpose, the words “wait” or “be still” or “trust in the Lord” came to me frequently during the listening and pondering stages of prayer. I kept asking God what he wanted to teach me and wrote down the thoughts that inspired the book.

Pray

After you formulate some questions, bring them directly to the Lord in conversation. Pour your heart out to him – your fears and doubts, your anxiety or concerns, your excitement or restlessness. Give him everything that flows forth as you delve more deeply into your own heart in search of his.

You are conversing with the Divine, so there’s no need for format or formulae here. It’s just your heart language speaking to God’s heart.

This stage will likely lead you back to listening, pondering, asking more questions, and praying again. You will likely engage in this process for quite some time before advancing to the last two.

Prepare

Over time, you might discern that God is asking something specific of you. Everyone’s mission will look different, of course. But the point is that you receive a divine assignment, based on the pattern of listening to and speaking with God.

If and when this happens, you will need to find a good spiritual director if you haven’t already. This person needs to be objective in matters of guiding you more deeply into accepting your holy assignment and discovering what that means. Think of St. Teresa of Calcutta whom Jesus asked to found an order serving the “poorest of the poor.” Or St. Teresa of Avila who heard the Lord tell her to reform the Carmelite order.

God asks some people today to become overseas missionaries, write books, enter into a specific vocation, found a non-profit, lead a parish ministry, and so on. Regardless of the assignment, know that he has something specific in mind for you. Be attentive and vigilant like the wise virgins who kept their oil ready for the Bridegroom’s arrival.

Act

Again, you will need a spiritual director to guide you before you actually go forth to begin your mission or ministry. The point is to be ready for whatever God asks of you. It seems as if waiting lingers forever, but once God acts in your life, he moves quickly. This isn’t always the case, but you will find that timing is such an important piece to your waiting experience.

This post is an abridged version of Chapter 6 in my book, Waiting with Purpose: Persevering When God Says “Not Yet.”

Passive Waiting and Suffering Well

By Jeannie Ewing

We established that no one likes to wait and that a small fraction of our waiting experiences is what we term active, or Advent waiting. What, then, comprises the majority of those periods of life when we linger in tension, when we are in between or feeling stuck or lost?

Passive waiting is when we move from a place of knowing specifically that God will complete some good work He has begun in us to becoming entirely unaware and uncertain of what He is doing or asking of us. We move from subject to object in passive waiting. For example, if you are late to work and get stuck in the midst of unexpected construction, you are experiencing passive waiting. If you just had a biopsy and have to spent an agonizing week not knowing if you have cancer or not, you are in passive waiting.

These times when waiting is painful, when we do not choose to suffer, is precisely what makes life worthwhile. It’s not because of the suffering itself; it is because of what Passion gives birth to, that is, Resurrection. We know that suffering is not the end and that our tragedies can bring about beautiful blessings. But how do we understand passive waiting so that we can learn to suffer well, or at least better?

The Gift of Helplessness and Dependency

Maybe you or someone you know has recently become injured or suffered an accident that left him/her incapacitated. Maybe you have fallen ill with a terrible malady and simply cannot keep up your active lifestyle anymore. Maybe you are disabled.

These are all examples of the helpless state, whether temporary or permanent. And when we can’t move around like we’re used to – going to work, doing household chores, taking care of our families – we feel guilty, as if we are a burden. But God shows us the hidden gift of helplessness, because He deliberately sent His Son as an infant totally dependent on His Mother’s love and nourishment:

The popular imagination discerns nothing in God: no dependence, no waiting, no exposure, nothing of passion or passibility…and therefore, when these conditions appear in the life of man, they must appear fundamentally ‘ungodlike;’ and therefore again they must appear alien to the proper status of man and unworthy of his unique dignity. (W.H. Vanstone quote from Waiting with Purpose, p. 87)

So when you find yourself in a helpless state, know that you are not alone and that God longs to reach you in your suffering.

Preparing for Mission

When we suffer, we gain wisdom and life experience that cannot be replicated by books or rhetoric. Our experiences, then, shape us fundamentally. They make us stronger, more compassionate, and resilient. Even more, they lead us to mission.

You probably didn’t ask for your sickness or your child’s disability or your spouse’s Alzheimer’s. You didn’t want to lose a friend to addiction or a parent to cancer. Yet all of these atrocities can lead us to accompany others who are suffering similar afflictions. We are more equipped to handle their pain when we have already been through our own journey of grief.

Entering Your Resurrection

I learned something extraordinary while researching my book, Waiting with Purpose: all of the Greek verbs used to describe Jesus’ life and ministry were in the active tense until He was handed over in the Garden of Gethsemane. He spoke to His apostles at the Last Supper, “My work is finished” but immediately before expiring, “It is finished.” These are powerful examples of how working isn’t the be-all-end-all to life’s meaning and value.

Your true work is to suffer with Jesus and learn to suffer well. This doesn’t mean perfectly – just well. That means you will have moments when offering up your pain in solidarity with Jesus’ or someone else’s pain is effortless and other times when it’s impossible. The point is to keep moving forward in your own passion, knowing with confidence that your own Calvary journey will lead you to new life in Resurrection, whether in this life or the next.

This post was adapted from Chapter 6 in my book, Waiting with Purpose: Persevering When God Says “Not Yet.”

The Joy of Expectant Waiting

By Jeannie Ewing

There are so many beautiful words to describe active waiting: expectancy, joy, pregnancy, anticipation. It’s what we tend to experience during the Advent season. Active waiting (also called Advent or expectant waiting) evokes incredible hope in us, because we are on the cusp of watching how God’s plan unfolds for a specific promise.

A few points pertaining to this type of waiting will guide us as we move through our own journey. Think of the popular song, “I Wonder As I Wander” for this type of expectancy. A seed has been planted. Its in the germination stage right now, and what is required of you is to be vigilant and patience until the time of flourishing – which God determines – arrives.

We Wait In Community

Let’s look to a beautiful example of expectant waiting – the Visitation. What did the Blessed Mother do as soon as she heard the news of Elizabeth’s pregnancy and after she accepted the invitation to bear the Son of God? She went in haste to share this joy with her cousin! They were both pregnant with a promise, so they gathered together in friendship, in community, to allow the seed of human life to grow within them.

When we wait in joyful anticipation, we remember that ‘nothing is impossible for God.’ (Waiting with Purpose, p. 47)

Have Confidence in God’s Promise

One of my favorite saints-to-be is Blessed Solanus Casey. He is well known for his famous quip, “Thank God ahead of time.” What does this mean for us when we are waiting – often with a certain amount of restlessness or tension – for new birth, new life, or a new phase of life to begin? We focus on who God is and all He has already accomplished in our lives. It’s important to thank God for all that He has done, is doing, and will do for us. That’s what expectant faith is – it’s faith that is confident in God.

We know He will act, and we pray accordingly – with expectation of answered prayer.

Expect to Move from Community to Contemplation

God often prepares us for a particular mission in cycles and seasons. We know this from our waiting experiences that somehow give way to seasons of activity and then back to dormancy. If expectant faith relies upon our lives in relationship, then we know we are being formed by those to whom we are closest – family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, spouses, children.

The people who live with us see us at our best and worst. They might draw out specific flaws or weaknesses – tendencies toward impatience, for example. As we enter into prayer each day, God reflects this reality to us so that we might allow Him to further chisel away the imperfections that deter us from spiritually advancing.

Then, one day, or perhaps gradually, we will move from a stage of activity to the desert. Community tends to precede contemplation, in that God draws us – whether quite literally (as in the case of an anchoress or hermit) or interiorly – into a more reflective state of solitude. It is during our time in the desert when God guides us more directly, though we cannot see or feel much of anything.

We wait – always in joyful hope – whether in community or contemplation.

This post was adapted from Chapter 3 in my book, Waiting with Purpose: Persevering When God Says “Not Yet.”

Understanding the Spirituality of Waiting

By Jeannie Ewing

I’m willing to bet that everyone reading this hates to wait. We live in a society that lauds “bigger, better, faster,” and we by and large get what we want, when we want it. Thanks to the technological revolution, information is available 24/7. So waiting, whether we overtly or subconsciously admit it, is something of an impediment to staying active and busy.

Yet we can’t ignore the fact that waiting – especially when we don’t choose it – must have a divine purpose for our lives. If God is deliberate and doesn’t waste anything, then he must be speaking to us when we feel stuck, in the middle, or just plain lost. It’s important for us, then, to examine the “why” behind the “what:” how do seasons of waiting strengthen, prune, and purify us?

Look to Scripture.

In the Bible, we have both Old and New Testament examples of long periods of waiting. The most common and popular example would be the Israelites wandering the desert after their exodus from Egypt. Can you imagine spending 40 years of your life without a home, in a desert no less – without vegetation and with much desolation?

What kept the Israelites going those long years? Why didn’t they just turn away and quit the journey? Well, remember that most of them ended up grumbling from time to time – about their divine food (manna), worshiping the molten calf while Moses was conversing with God atop the mountain. But they kept moving forward. Why?

They were given a promise. God guaranteed that he had a place set aside for them, a land “flowing with milk and honey.” This was the Promised Land.

Then you have the example of the Visitation in the New Testament. Mary waited with her cousin, Elizabeth, after she received the news that she would give birth to the Messiah, the Son of God! Both she and Elizabeth prepared, waited, and celebrated together during several months of gestation. Why? Because they were given a promise – the ultimate promise!

Jesus also prayed in the desert for 40 days, during which time he was tempted by Satan. Isn’t that what happens to us, too? When God invites us to wait for his perfect timing, we often succumb to the doubts and discouragement brought on by thoughts from the enemy.

Why do we wait? Because God has promised that he makes good come from all things according to his purpose.

Live by Way of Obscure Faith

St. John of the Cross coined the term “obscure faith.” Essentially it means faith that is not clear, but it is certain. When we wait, we might be tempted to just pass the time doing one of many enticing options – internet gaming, shopping, idle time on social media scrolling and scrolling, running errands, etc. But we have to remember that waiting isn’t wasting. God wants us to use the time he’s given us fruitfully.

If we understand that this undefined time of desolation in the desert of waiting means something deeper, something we can’t fully grasp just yet, we are encouraged to keep believing that God has a plan in the midst of uncertainty and the unknown.

One such encouragement is that desolation leads to a period of consolation, and vice versa. We tend to go through cycles in our spiritual journeys from one to the other and back again. God gives us consolations, or spiritual sweetness, to uplift and strengthen us for the inevitable forthcoming period of desolation – when we can’t see anything and don’t know what’s going on.

Spend your “down” time resting in God.

(The next post will be about resting and the spirituality of waiting.)

This article is an abridged version of Chapter 1 from my book, Waiting with Purpose: Persevering When God Says “Not Yet.”

3 Ways to Find Meaning in Your Suffering

By Jeannie Ewing

If you’re Catholic, you’ve undoubtedly heard from someone, somewhere: “Offer it up.” It’s an unfortunate cliche nowadays, but it doesn’t have to be.

Suffering has merit if we don’t waste it. Our grief can become an immense gift not only to God but also to others. Through time, as we learn to manage our struggles with more patience and perseverance, we will learn that God has perhaps hidden something specific we can use from our experience with loss: mission.

Everyone wants a purpose in life, and we all were born with one. Yet unveiling it as we grow up and grow old doesn’t always happen clearly or smoothly. Sometimes it doesn’t happen at all.

Though God never intended for suffering, disease, sin, and death to enter into our lives, we must handle the consequences of Original Sin (thanks Adam and Eve) somehow. Jesus was the One to show us how.

Without the sin of our First Parents, we would never have needed Jesus. We wouldn’t have known Him or had the opportunity to be reconciled to Him. I wonder if we would have ever truly understood love. Through the example of Christ in His Passion, we can find meaning in our suffering, too.

Here are three ways you might come to grow as a result of whatever loss you are struggling to make sense of right now:

Discover your mission. There are enough suffering people in this world who need something that you have to offer. Maybe you understand firsthand the pain of loving someone with an addiction. You might become an addictions counselor. Or maybe your grief relates to losing a spouse slowly to the formidable death of Alzheimer’s. Your purpose might be to volunteer at a nursing home and talk with family members about what to expect or ask them questions about how they are handling the diagnosis.
Recognize that joy can exist with sorrow. In fact, you might experience both simultaneously. It’s very strange to explain, but it happens. And if it has happened to you, then you know exactly what I mean. Don’t settle for the falsehood that you have to pursue worldly, selfish “happiness” that only means doing what feels good in the moment. True joy is about sacrifice. It entails hard work, self-denial. It is a large part of your cross and could be particular to your grief journey. Be a witness to others who are in or near despair that a joy-filled life is possible!
Accompany others. Remember that healing does not occur in isolation. A beautiful and mysterious gift contained in your grief may be that you walk with someone who is in a very raw stage of emotional pain. Grief may be new to them right now. But you have been there for a while, and you know that the intensity of those emotions eventually dies down. Sit with them. Be with them. The gift of presence is the most powerful and transformative of anything else you could offer. In turn, you might discover greater healing for yourself, too.

In God there is no darkness. Let your life reflect His light, then. Place your lamp on a lamp stand instead of under a bushel basket. Don’t hide in shame because of your loss. Be authentic and sincere to others, and they will see Jesus in you.

Paraphrased from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

Healing After Grief Through Divine Mercy

By Jeannie Ewing

By now, most of us have been inundated with information about the Divine Mercy devotion popularized through St. Faustina’s Diary. But have we learned about how divine mercy itself aids us through grief as a healing balm for our wounds? Probably not.

It’s easy to take care of yourself in the immediate aftermath of loss: you make sure you are fed, clean, and get adequate rest. You drink enough water. You might take a walk or sit down to read a book. But what about the condition of your soul? Certainly we are a composite of mind, body, and soul, which are all intricately interconnected.

But we cannot neglect our souls. In fact, I strongly believe that, when we don’t face our deepest inner turmoil from a spiritual perspective, we will not ever be completely healed.

How does divine mercy give us the grace to experience lasting peace and permanent healing? I am not implying that grace alone will solve all of your suffering, nor that it’s not important – necessary at times, even – to seek medical or professional help in addition to turning to your faith. What I am saying is that if you truly wish to be deeply healed, you simply cannot overlook the value of sacramental grace.

Here is a way for you to understand how divine mercy plays an integral role in grief healing:

Divine mercy is the only means by which we can be fully restored and made whole after we have incurred grave losses. It’s not His obligation, but He cannot deny us this because of love. Mercy is the way God reaches our torn and tattered hearts after betrayals and breakups (p. 125 in my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph).

If you need some practical ways to experience the power of Divine Mercy, start with these:

Frequent the Sacrament of Mercy – Reconciliation. Better yet, frequent the Sacraments of Healing together – Reconciliation and the Eucharist.
Read about God’s incredible mercy in the Psalms.
Pray to St. Faustina for a deeper understanding of how much God’s love envelops you in your pain.
Offer your misery to Jesus as a gift. His mercy will transform your heart.
Be merciful to both yourself and others. This means being more patient and kinder than necessary. Remember the quote, “Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle”? Keep that in mind regarding the message of mercy.
Practice the Corporal and Spiritual Works of Mercy. Pray about which one or two God is inviting you to try rather than committing to all of them. Base your selection on your specific gifts, talents, personality, lifestyle, and the time you have.

Consider this quote from the Diary of St. Faustina (no. 1273). Read it as if Jesus is speaking directly to your heart. Ponder it throughout the week. Ask the Lord to reveal to you what it means for your particular cross right now:

There is no misery that could be a match for My mercy, neither will misery exhaust it, because as it is being granted, it increases. The soul that trusts in My mercy is most fortunate, because I Myself take care of it.

Friends, faith alone will not solve all of your ills. Neither, though, will prescriptions and therapy. Remember that your soul is the center, the wellspring of your existence. From it flows the Spring of Eternal Life. Access this spring so that you might discover true and lasting healing through mercy, as well as the other ways you care for your health.

I believe if we “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness,” then truly “all these things will be given to you besides” (see Matthew 6:33).

Adapted from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

The 6 Spiritual Principles of Moving Through Grief

By Jeannie Ewing

Grief is one of those tricky, delicate, often nebulous life phenomena that is tough to pinpoint and define. We all suffer differently, and we all experience grief in a very personal, unique way. Even so, I’ve found that there are some universal strategies – what I call “spiritual principles” – that can really aid all of us when we are seeking healing after devastating loss.

In my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph, I delve more deeply into these principles, how they work together, and what they might look like for you as you move through your grief journey. But there’s no panacea as to how you will experience each of these principles. They are intended to be guideposts, not certainties, in your spiritual journey toward healing.

The 6 spiritual principles of moving through grief are:

Humility of Heart:
- This is the foundation of all other principles, because it requires us to move from self-pity (“woe is me” attitude) toward focus on God.
- Opportunities to grow in humility tend to come in the form of humiliations; when grieving, these can include unexpected weeping to a compassionate stranger or permitting a neighbor to clean our house.
- Requires vulnerability – allowing God to tear down our emotional barricades, being transparent to others
Abandonment to Divine Providence:
- Builds upon the first principle (humility), because our hearts need to be receptive by way of humility. Pride closes and hardens our hearts.
- This receptivity allows us to move to a place in which we long to please God, even in the midst of mystery.
- Abandonment, or surrender, is acquired through acts that try one’s patience and foster perseverance.
- A person who is ready to enter into this principle has a heart and mind that is open, ready, and willing to hand over our wants and needs into God’s hands without needless worry or concern.
Holy Indifference:
- Based on the Ignatian concept that if the soul “is attached or inclined to a thing inordinately, that [person] should move himself, putting forth all his strength, to come to the contrary of what he is wrongly drawn to.”
- It is NOT apathy or indifference. It does not mean we no longer care about our circumstances, only that we surrender (second principle) our needs, cares, and concerns without expecting a specific outcome to our prayer.
- It is the third principle, because one must have begun the journey into humility and abandonment before the ability to be content with a “yes” or “no” or “not yet” answer from God to our prayers.
- Related to holy detachment
The Dark Night of the Soul (e.g., Holy Darkness):
- Focused on fidelity to God in the face of self-emptiness.
- Acquired through time, temptations, trials, and tribulations.
- Feeling as if God has forsaken or abandoned you; feeling spiritually dry or alone.
- If you’re in a state of grace (e.g., no mortal sin staining your soul, and you are staying close to the sacraments of Eucharist and Confession), then the emptiness and loneliness you feel may be this holy darkness.
- NOT the same as the darkness caused by sin or consequences of sin (including spiritual attack).
Confidence in God’s Timing:
- “Thank God ahead of time for whatever He sees is best for [you]…Courage is half the battle – confidence in God is the soul of prayer – foster the latter and you have both.” (Bl. Solanus Casey)
- In your period of mourning, when you are feeling empty, exhausted, possibly abandoned by God and others – cultivate gratitude. Think of your past and all the ways God has delivered or blessed you. Then, thank Him for what He is doing in your life that you cannot see and entrust your entire present and future into His hands (2^nd principle – surrender).
- When we thank God for our pain and sorrow, as well as our joys and celebrations, we make everything a holy gift that He, in turn, molds into a facet of healing, strength, and peace for us.
The Wound of the Heart:
- This is a mystical concept based on St. Therese of Lisieux’s spirituality: “I offer myself as a victim of holocaust to your merciful love.”
- When we pray without expectation of a certain outcome (holy indifference, 3rd principle), and when we thank God for all He is doing and will be doing in our lives (confidence/gratitude, 5th principle), then we will accept that our pain may not be taken away from us. Instead, it may be transformed into love.
- “Martyrdom of the heart” or “white martyrdom” that some saints experienced – a piercing of the heart and soul that causes a “wound of love.” In other words, our grief and suffering may become the best gift of love we can unite with the wounds of Jesus.
- This principle teaches us how to suffer well.

Adapted from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

How Laughter Can Help When You’re Grieving

By Jeannie Ewing

Laughter might be the last thing on your mind when you’ve lost a loved one, a job, a home, or are experiencing financial difficulty. Even if you’re a good-natured person inherently, it’s hard to see beyond the struggle when you’re in the midst of it.

Despite this reality, engaging in a hearty belly laugh now and then is surprisingly very healing, both physiologically and emotionally. Laughter accesses the limbic system, the part of our brains that houses emotional processing and responses. When you laugh so hard you cry, you’re actually reaping double benefits, too: Research shows evidence that tears shed during times of extreme stress have a different chemical makeup than those shed when you’re temporarily sad.

Here are some ways laughter can help you when you’re grieving:

Find a funny friend and suggest a night out. If you can’t get out, invite him/her over. Let loose and allow yourself to double over with puns, slapstick, dry, or whatever type of humor triggers your funny bone.
Watch your favorite comedy. Or try a stand-up comedian. Ben and I really love the “clean comics” Brian Regan and Jim Gaffigan. They never fail to make us wheeze with laughter.
Do something fun. “Fun” is almost always the last thing on everyone’s list when they are grieving. Even if you can’t imagine going out, do it anyway. Your mind, body, and soul need a break.
Read a funny book. If you don’t know of any, ask around.
Look for humorous memes online. There are plenty. All you have to do is Google!

Though it might seem frivolous or trite, it’s important to take time out to relax, regroup, and find something refreshing to help you refocus on the joys in life. Even if you burst into guffaws at the oddest moments or for the strangest reasons, go with it. I can’t explain the times when Ben and I have shared a good belly laugh over something like an inside joke or a ridiculous story or comment. There’s something very healing and cathartic that occurs.

When you laugh, you clear your mind. Your body’s tension will loosen, and you will feel the visceral response of stress leaving your body, and you will feel stronger and more capable of tackling all the burdens you are facing.

Paraphrased from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

Understanding the Difference Between Grief and Depression

By Jeannie Ewing

When devastating loss hits our lives, we tend to respond with deep, intense sorrow. Initially, it might feel very uncomfortable for us, because grief stirs up many complicated and painful emotions. In time, we might hear well-intentioned friends or family members say, “Maybe it’s time to move on.” So we wonder, “Is this normal to feel like this? Am I depressed?”

Periods of grief can be confusing as we’re sorting through strong reactions, unexpected behaviors, and unwanted feelings or thoughts. It’s easy to see why most of us might get grief and the clinical diagnosis of depression mixed up at times. Here are some clear indicators that you are struggling with depression or a form of pathological grief called complicated grief.

First, your response of anger, sadness, confusion, loneliness, and guilt in the immediate aftermath of loss is a normal response. It’s important to note patterns of behavior over time, which may indicate that you need further professional and/or medical help.

The DSM-V (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – 5th Revision) is what clinical psychologists and physicians who are psychiatrists use to diagnose specific conditions that can be treated well with medication and therapy. Now classified as Major Depressive Disorder, here are the criteria for diagnosis. Keep in mind that these symptoms must be prevalent for at least two consecutive weeks:

Suicidal ideations (e.g. thinking and tendencies);
Excessive weight loss or weight gain (or increased/decreased appetite);
Energy loss and fatigue;
Feelings of worthlessness;
Irritability;
Poor concentration;
Change in sleep patterns (insomnia or hypersomnia – sleeping very little or too much).

Similarly, there is a clinical condition called complicated grief that mimics some symptoms of depression. The criteria include:

Loss occurred over 6 months ago;
Rumination over the loss/can’t get it off of your mind;
Feeling that life is meaningless or worthless;
Feeling shock/numbness;
Neglecting self-care or care of others who need you (e.g. children);
Auditory/Visual hallucinations of the person who has died;
Inability to accept the loss;
Strong feelings or reactions to any memory related to the loss;
Cannot trust others or discuss anything other than the loss.

These symptoms must be present consistently for at least one month and significantly interfere with daily life.

Normal grief is acute; it comes and goes – sometimes without warning. But a clinical diagnosis is probable if you feel stuck and as if you are unable or unwilling to move through the grief rather than avoid or deny its presence and what it can teach you about suffering and empathy for others who are suffering. When in doubt, seek professional help. Go to your doctor and have an honest conversation. Listen to your loved ones’ concern about your welfare and take them into consideration.

(Note: I am not a physician or psychologist, and this information is not intended to replace or treat any condition you have. It’s for informational purposes only.)

Adapted from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.

What is Grief?

By Jeannie Ewing

Popular counselors tend to affirm the common definition of grief in our western culture: that it is a period of designated mourning following the death of a loved one. While this is certainly true, it is a narrow and limited understanding of what grief encompasses. Perhaps that’s why it’s so hard for most of us to recognize when we are grieving.

What I have learned, both from personal experience and in my professional background, is that grief includes any significant and devastating loss. This could be the death of your beloved pet; the sudden loss of your job; a child born with a genetic condition or disability (as in our case); a spouse who has left you; caring for an elderly parent who is suffering from dementia; struggling in the aftermath of sexual assault; recovering from PTSD as a military veteran; making ends meet as a single mother; healing after abortion; hidden sorrow from a miscarriage or stillbirth.

There are countless life circumstances that trigger our grief experiences. This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it does help to get us thinking – or rethinking – about what grief is and how it affects us when life goes in a direction other than what we’d imagined.

Here are some points to remember when you are grieving:

Any loss that is significant in your life can cause grief. You might feel sad, lost, lonely, or angry. These are some of the normal feelings associated with loss.
Change can provoke a sense of loss, too. Every change in life – moving, having a baby, getting a new job – entails both good and bad, the possibilities of what is in store as well as the loss of what is left behind.
There is no timeline for grief! Despite what others may believe, or what you might also think, grief happens on its own terms. You can neither predict nor hasten how you will experience grief.
Be gentle and patient with yourself when you are grieving. There will be days or weeks that seem more “normal” to you, but you may have what you feel are setbacks – moments of frustration, longing for what once was and is no longer, a crying spell after hearing a song.
Grief involves physical and emotional changes in your life, but don’t neglect the spiritual dimension of grief. Our faith tells us that suffering is not lost upon God when we hand it to Him with humility and sincerity. Suffering is redemptive in this way.
Find ways to process your pain. For some, this includes journaling memories or perhaps creating visual art. For others, it might be taking a walk, talking to a trusted friend or pastor, Eucharistic Adoration.

My hope is that we will shift our focus from eschewing suffering to embracing it. A wonderful devotion for those who are suffering is the Divine Mercy chaplet and novena. We would all do well to extend mercy to ourselves and others who are grieving a loss.

(Note: I will include a separate post about Divine Mercy related to grief at a later date.)

Paraphrased from my book, From Grief to Grace: The Journey from Tragedy to Triumph.