Over the Christmas season, I kept shopping, trying to make it perfect. Trying to fulfill their dreams, to make this a Christmas that would make them smile and remember it forever! The more I did, the worse I felt, because it was impossible. Each dollar spent made me feel sicker. I couldn’t measure up, I worried about the bills, the emptiness wouldn’t go away. Then it hit me…
The things I want to give them I couldn’t.
I wanted to wrap up time and then spend it with each one of my family members as if there were no boundaries, or calendars, or appointments to keep.
I wanted to give them patience. I seem to have such a limited supply of this and there are so many demands and needs. These are amplified by the special needs of my daughter who is cognitively delayed and has Aspergers.
I wanted to give them smiles, but too often they awake to a grumpy and tired mom. They come home to a frustrated one and go to sleep as I mutter under my breath about the mess of their rooms and the lack of hours in the day to get it all done.
I wanted to give my older children perspective. They worry about such unimportant things and don’t understand the gravity of some of the choices they make. The little ones I wanted to give a calm spirit. I desired that they would stay little a while longer and stop trying to hurry and grow up.
Somewhere in my discontent, I realized that what I could give them was my best effort. I could try to pass on the example of my faith. I could let them know that they are loved and treasured. Through this experience, I am learning to let God fill in the gaps that I can’t fill and to trust Him to lead my way. I will try to keep these gifts in mind in the coming year, the ones that are truly important. I will try to love more and worry less. Happy New Year.
