There is no endeavor more awe-inspiring than bringing new lives into the world and then nurturing those little lives into sainthood. Parenting well is one of the biggest accomplishments we can ever achieve, and the Church is here to help. Please feel free to share these faith-based graphics on parenting with anyone you feel might benefit. Quotes are from Chapter 10 of The Four Keys to Everlasting Love: How Your Catholic Marriage Can Bring You Joy for a Lifetime. Click here to join the online discussion of The Four Keys on Facebook.
How My Special Needs Child has Sanctified Me!
My sweet Anya-Marie (Elizabeth) Joy is almost sixteen now. Our journey together has been difficult at times, almost unbearable at others, but like her name, she brings me great joy. Within hours after her birth, my husband and I noticed that Anya looked a little odd to us. She seemed to stare off into space. She is our sixth child, so we had some frame of reference on which to base our observations.
At first, we didn’t really worry about what we were seeing, but as time went on, she didn’t accomplish milestones at the same rate that our other children had. She didn’t look at us, she looked above us. She rarely smiled. We couldn’t ignore it anymore… something wasn’t right.
She was only mildly delayed in terms of motor skills, so by four years old she functioned physically quite well, except for extreme sensory integration issues. She was both hyper and hypo sensitive and required physical therapy from age two. She would stomp her feet when she walked, but would also scream if a light went on or a hair touched her body. Blessedly, we had dealt with similar issues with her older sister, so we recognized the problem and got intervention early.
By the time she was four, we were told that she had a low IQ and was moderately developmentally delayed. By age eight a diagnosis of Asperger’s (a mild form of autism) had been added to the list. As is typically with that combination of issues, the world was a threatening place to poor little Anya. She spent most of her time in screaming fits and meltdowns. Life was difficult for our entire family due to managing her problems and still trying to raise a healthy family and maintain a strong marriage.
At one point, an ‘expert’ suggested we find a ‘home’ for her. It was then that we decided to proactively change everything in our lives to help our little girl thrive. We read everything, studied anything, spent countess hours working with Anya. We were supported by some wonderful family and friends who wanted to help us, help her. We developed a plan and strategies, regularly changing them to adapt to her changing needs. We looked at all family outings as potential meltdown scenarios and developed coping and exit strategies when our worst fears materialized.
One of Anya’s safety zones was, well, me! A friend once referred to me as her Rosetta stone, because I could translate her to the world and the world to her. She went everywhere with me. My mom jokingly (and lovingly) called her, “mommy’s little barnacle.” She clung to me all day, everyday. As she got older she would even go to work with me, sitting quietly for hours as I had meetings.
A few years ago, things started to improve. She still went everywhere with me and still wouldn’t venture anywhere except school on her own, but her gifts and talents started to shine through. She has a love for the clarinet. She also has a wonderful gift for caring for small children, especially with children who have disabilities. As I would teach Adult Faith Formation, Anya would care for the children of some of my catechumens. One little boy was non-verbal, autistic. He would jump up and down as soon as he saw her. Anya also has an ability to take beautiful pictures. Her dream is to photograph special needs children.
A few years ago she was Confirmed. She chose Elizabeth as her Confirmation name, very logically, as she was already named after Jesus’ mother and grandmother, why not his cousin too?! She often contributes at youth group, goes on the March for Life and to the Steubenville Youth Conferences (as long as I am one of the chaperones) and will even venture to a friend’s house occasionally now and then.
She has taught our family patience. She has taught us to put another’s needs above our own comfort. We have learned to be flexible, to accommodate her rigidity. All of my children are loving and sensitive to the needs of others, especially to the disabled. She has helped us grown in the love of Christ, as we learned to love the least of our brothers.
She has grown exponentially in the environment of our family and has had a jump in IQ score and social skills. She is still measured as low, but low-average on most scales that measure intelligence and social functioning!
As my little ‘saint-maker’ sits beside me as I drive to work, I realize how much we have shared because she has always been by my side. I recognize that someday, she will be on her own, and that my passenger seat will no longer hold my chatty, constant companion. My heart flies at the knowledge that she has grown, but as I sit here writing this, I am wiping more than a few tears from my eyes. She has succeeded, but maybe I am the one who has grown. Thank you, Anya. We love you!
Teaching Children to Cherish Life
It is such a blessing from God to have children. Sometimes, it is challenging and may seem less of a blessing in a moment that is not so inviting. As I step back from certain situations with my children and evaluate how to approach it the way God wants me to, to meet my child’s needs; I learn something new every time. It often catches me off guard when my three and a half year old responds positively to my discipline after taking a second to ask God for guidance. I have noticed in the past year that teaching my son to cherish life by respecting life around him has been an important part in raising him the way God would want my husband and I to.
I think it is important and crucial to first, before we make any rules in our household, to ask God what he wants for our children, because they are ultimately his children first. God has gifted us with another soul to help guide and protect here on earth. Then we can start to discipline. When my son started to display some destructive behavior during one of his temper tantrums, I knew I had to stop it right away. I began thinking to myself what would God want me to teach him, to help him stop this behavior. Then I had a discussion with my son about treating his body with respect (except I didn’t say respect, I used the word: “nicely”. I used words that I knew he would understand). I did not only have to talk to him about what treating our bodies nicely versus badly, I had to show him examples of these two behaviors. Ephraim did not understand this concept in one session, but we still work on it anytime he would want to start hitting something or someone. That’s the trick with toddlers, parents have to repeat the consequence until their child begins to understand the behavior is wrong and know how to practice self control. It is definitely hard to practice patience with young children, especially when you have to constantly repeat yourself. This is where prayer plays a key role when raising little ones.
I realized while I was helping Ephraim understand why he was being corrected for hitting or saying mean things to others, I also needed to explain why this was not good. When I started telling him, “God wants us to use our bodies in a nice way and not a mean way,” he started to stop this type of behavior.
I also, came to the realization that I needed to show Ephraim how to show respect to all of God’s creation. In the summer, I would show him how to treat the small insects and animals outside. Instead of killing, stepping on, or pulling at a creature, I would show him how to hold and explore that animal. I know it may seem trivial and going against the “boys’ nature”, but this small experience is a little lesson children can learn on how to treat all of what God has created around us. Children always need to be shown how God would want them to act towards others. I think the biggest mistake we make as parents, is that we assume they know why we tell them to stop a certain behavior. If we do not show them the correct way to behave, they may never learn. If children do not learn how to respect and treat the littlest of things around them with respect, how do we expect them to understand how to respect life itself; especially when it comes to the most vulnerable of God’s creation?
We can help our children learn how to respect life in simple ways, in everyday occurrences. Parents can help their children speak nicely to others, obey their parents, elders, and people in charge of them, offering to help others, using manners, practicing patience, and the list can go on. The most important way to help our children is to pray for them to always do God’s will and pray that you raise your children the way God would want. For He knows your children best, even though we forget that often. He knows them inside and out, just like He knows us.