Grace in a Blue Sweater

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You don’t have to be parenting a special needs child to know that conflicts in parenting styles can be one of the toughest issues a married couple can face.  My husband and I are usually on the same page when it comes to this, but recently we had a significant challenge with our nineteen year-old son.  We vehemently disagreed on the approach we should take. I can honestly say that it was one of the hardest times we have faced in our twenty-two year marriage.  I was hurt, felt my position was not being taken seriously, and I was angry with both my husband and my son.

 

I didn’t know what to do with all the emotions I felt, so I did what I typically do (sulk, whine, scream…okay after that) I prayed.  I couldn’t find peace and grace did not appear to be forthcoming.  Then, God in His faithfulness, gave me the grace I needed.  My husband (with whom I was so upset that it took a herculean effort to be civil) came downstairs in his blue sweater.  He looks so good in that sweater.  I couldn’t help but marvel at how I could still be so attracted to this man after all these years and even in the middle of a disagreement!  God knows exactly how to get to me and He got to me good.

 

It’s been months since that day, and God has allowed me to see the wisdom in my husband’s parenting style and decisions.  I have been grateful a million times that the Lord enabled me to have grace to die- to-self and let my husband take the lead. I am even grateful for the times I was allowed to walk away from this challenge; my husband was in charge.  All these are blessings and the grace that started with the blue sweater has grown to an admiration and love for my husband’s strength and wisdom.  God does indeed work in mysterious ways.

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My Daughter’s Sacrifice

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My daughter’s Sacrifice

Every few years, my daughter (with special needs) has a birthday that falls on Good Friday.  I have been constantly impressed with her commitment to keep her fast on that day, rather than celebrating her birthday.  This child, who often misses the details of how someone feels, or what is appropriate social behavior, never misses this spiritual opportunity to put her faith first.

 

One year, our youth leader’s wife organized a birthday party for him on Good Friday after the Living Stations of the Cross.  This prompted a discussion between the youth leader and my then nine year-old daughter about why she wasn’t celebrating her birthday that day.  This year, following my daughter’s example, the youth leader asked that no one do anything after the Living Stations for his birthday.  “A little child shall lead them.”

 

It is easy sometimes to forget the gifts that a child with special needs has, but this is one circumstance where my daughter’s gift of faith shines so brightly that everyone can see it and is drawn to her beautiful inner light.  May God bless my Anya-Marie as she turns thirteen on Good Friday this year and as she puts it, “It’s not so bad, cuz we’ll celebrate on Easter and I’ll get a bunny cake.”  God bless you abundantly this Lenten season.

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Discipline and Respect in the Classroom

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CCD evenings are tubulent and fast-paced.

At 4:30 the first round of students trample through the double doors. Sweet-cheeked, eager faces; some talking to themselves, others seeking to make eye-contact with the first adult they see and lasso you into all the many details of their day.

The hour passes so fast and they are gone.

At 6:30 the second round of students come through the double doors. At year’s beginning their eyes dart suspect down the hallway. They are mute for the most part. At year’s end they fill the hallway talking loudly, jostling, laughing, comfortable, even smiling.

The hour passes so fast and they are gone.

The teachers arrive in the office with funny stories, character stories, moments of wonder, points of observance, and questions of how to deal with disrespect, talkativeness, and doubt…but, more often than not, sighs of disrespect.

I’ve seen some moody disrespect in my day. In my own household I have two teenagers and two young adults. Moody disrespect? Psh! There’s more challenging stuff to worry about.

Oh, boy! Yeah, hold onto your erasers; I hear the ripple of disagreement rippling already.

I have only to think of my own teenage years to know how disrespectful I could be, and sometimes was, and how grateful I was to the adults in my life who were not offended by the problem that was, in fact, my problem and no one else’s. Those adults probably remembered their own teenage years and knew I’d outgrow it. They were right; God luv ‘em.

My own limited classroom experience is that the more attention the disrespectful attitude is given the more the attitude is amplified. Many times the disrespect is not disrespect at all, it’s discomfort, boredom, lack of understanding, or a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad kind of day. We’ve all had days like those. Maturity teaches us how to manage those days and how to act properly despite those days. These young people don’t have those skills or the experience. They learn them through watching us.

I’m not saying children should never be addressed about their attitude and their responses in classes but this should be done one-on-one, maybe after class, never in front of peers. Scripture tells us how:

“If your brother sins [against you], go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won over your brother. If he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, so that ‘every fact may be established on the testimony of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell the church. If he refuses to listen even to the church, then treat him as you would a Gentile or a tax collector.” (Matthew 18:15-17)

There is a caveat to add here. In this verse, Scripture is speaking of a “brother”, someone close to you, a spiritual brother, a friend, a relative, a peer. I don’t see where a teacher/student relationship fits the second half of this verse. How do you treat a Gentile or a tax collector? I’m thinking of Jesus being a teacher, a rabbi, to his followers but his followers were grown men and women, not children.  These would be adults who had full knowledge of what they were doing and how they were acting. One does not treat children the same.

We must hande children differently, even in this age that portrays children as being far wiser and superior to adults…which might be part of the problem. So we need to let the first part be our guide.

The teacher first addresses the child gently and charitably one-on-one, not before peers who will snicker, make faces, and be encouraged by the misbehavior of another. There is a mystery of discipline that happens out of earshot and behind a closed hallway door. If the child does not respond properly after a charitable approach from the teacher, then the teacher should address the D.R.E. to intervene. Sometimes my teachers have consulted with the other teacher at that grade level and sometimes that teacher has been able to assist. For the most part, a non-hostile, charitable approach is ALWAYS better. Too many adults take the attitudes of these teenagers too personally when, in fact, these teenagers are confronting so much in their daily lives that they lack the skills to approach higher authority any other way. They are often a product of their environments and if their homes and public schools were visited we would be more sympathetic to their plight and not view silent disrespect as an offense.

Something our church religious education program has installed is a discipline form. The parent reads and signs it upon registration. The students have it read to them the first day of class and they all sign a form. These forms are filed in their student folder in the office. If a child is sent to the office for misbehavior or disrespect they read the discipline form which they signed aloud to the teacher and D.R.E.. If need be they are asked to explain what they have done wrong in light of reading this reminder. Students should apologize to the teacher for being disrespectful and disrupting the class.

I’ve never had a student sent more than twice to the office but the third time would be a charm. Parents would be called. A child needs to understand that one hour religion classes have no time frame for silliness and disruption and certainly no adult or fellow student should ever be treated with disrespect.

Peers usually have more influence than adults over teenagers. Sometimes it helps to do skits in the classroom where proper and improper behavior are acted out. A teenager might see ways he/she could act differently towards a situation if it is shown by his peers in a non-confrontational approach.

Concerning the younger people, they are learning how to act by observing the actions of others. Sadly, the examples out there are often not very good ones. It has also been my limited experience that what drives one teacher bananas does not bother another teacher in the least. So personalities can play a delicate balance in the relationships between students and teachers. Suffice to say, it is prudent to never label a child as “bad” or “difficult”. The next teacher may find him/her energetic rather than difficult and sad rather than bad. A person’s own experiences can cloud their prespections as well as enlighten them.

As Aretha Franklin recently said: “You should never define a person by one thing and ignore all the other wonderful things about them.”

The final point would be for all catechist to remember that a smile outshines all social ills and personal faults. How these children see us during this one hour in the framing of a whole week can define their whole year as well as their image of the Church and the people who serve. And it can keep defining the Church from this year into the next and the next. A reminder of “What Would Jesus Do?” should stand as a constant reminder of “What Would _____ Do?” 

And that includes us as catechists.

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The Christmas Gift I Couldn’t Wrap

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Over the Christmas season, I kept shopping, trying to make it perfect.  Trying to fulfill their dreams, to make this a Christmas that would make them smile and remember it forever!  The more I did, the worse I felt, because it was impossible.  Each dollar spent made me feel sicker.  I couldn’t measure up, I worried about the bills, the emptiness wouldn’t go away.  Then it hit me…

The things I want to give them I couldn’t.

I wanted to wrap up time and then spend it with each one of my family members as if there were no boundaries, or calendars, or appointments to keep.

I wanted to give them patience.  I seem to have such a limited supply of this and there are so many demands and needs.  These are amplified by the special needs of my daughter who is cognitively delayed and has Aspergers.

I wanted to give them smiles, but too often they awake to a grumpy and tired mom.  They come home to a frustrated one and go to sleep as I mutter under my breath about the mess of their rooms and the lack of hours in the day to get it all done.

I wanted to give my older children perspective.  They worry about such unimportant things and don’t understand the gravity of some of the choices they make.  The little ones I wanted to give a calm spirit.  I desired that they would stay little a while longer and stop trying to hurry and grow up.

Somewhere in my discontent, I realized that what I could give them was my best effort.  I could try to pass on the example of my faith.  I could let them know that they are loved and treasured. Through this experience, I am learning to let God fill in the gaps that I can’t fill and to trust Him to lead my way. I will try to keep these gifts in mind in the coming year, the ones that are truly important.  I will try to love more and worry less.   Happy New Year.

 

 

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Thy Kingdom Come

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 “The Lord is not being slow in carrying out his promises, as some people think he is; rather is he being patient with you, wanting nobody to be lost and everybody to be brought to repentance.

 

 Since everything is coming to an end like this, what holy and saintly lives you should be living while you wait for the Day of God to come, and try to hasten its coming:”  2 Pt 3:9-13

 

I was struck by these lines in the reading this week.  It reminded me of the unique viewpoint of the Catholic Church when we think about heaven and the Kingdom of God.

Too often, people get caught up in the promise of heaven as a rescue of sorts.  I think this is where “Rapture” thinking comes from.  We struggle on earth, but we will be swept away into heaven and everything will be better.  The question we must raise is, “Why will it be better?”  Will we have every desire suddenly fulfilled?  Well, yes, but not in the way we think.  Our desires will be in complete accordance with the will of the Father.  That will bring us joy.

Ponder the line, “and try to hasten its coming.”  It implies that we can hasten the coming of the Kingdom in some way.  We can!  When we make it our goal that, “no one is lost and everyone is brought to repentance,” this Christian love brings His kingdom more fully to the earth, by the power of God’s grace. This brings me to the uniqueness of the Catholic viewpoint.

Our faith is dual in nature.  Like Jesus’ two natures it is both human and divine in its mission.  We are called to bring the Kingdom of God to earth.  Rather than concentrating on us being lifted to heaven, we can work towards bringing a piece of heaven to earth. We do this by filling actual human needs, both physical and spiritual.

My niece demonstrated this in an extraordinary way.  She, her husband and her daughter were relocated to San Diego.  The rest of her family lives on the East coast. My sister and I have raised our kids in the same neighborhood, on the same street, so this was a very difficult move for her.

She experienced major culture shock when she arrived.  She had never experienced pan-handlers jumping on her car and asking for money before.  She was shocked and fearful.

Then she decided to do something positive in response.  She and her husband packed up 17 gift baskets with jackets they thought they could live without, bottled water and food. In each basket they included an encouraging note about God’s love for each person.  They drove through their new neighborhood and distributed them to people in need. Yes, even to the pan-handlers.  She, without recognizing it, was fulfilling our mandate as Catholics, to spread the gospel and assist in bringing the Kingdom of God to earth.

When we sacrifice in the name of justice, fight hunger, and help to bring others to repentance, we work in union with Jesus Christ. We become His hands and feet and voice. We bring the Kingdom more fully to the earth.  May God bless you all this Advent season and let’s work to truly prepare the world for the coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

 

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Book Giveway for Christmas

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For this writer, there are no better gifts than books!  Whether I give them or get them, to me they are the perfect present.  This month AC wants to give you a present.  Just enter our contest to win free books from some of your AC favorite authors.  Here are the details for the giveway:

AmazingCatechists.com has undergone a redesign and reboot, and our staff is kicking up its collective heels by giving away TWO-DOZEN books from December 6th through December 15th.

 Enter to win a FREE BOOK by leaving a comment at ANY OF OUR COLUMNS, ANY TIME from NOW until December 15th! Drawings begin on the 6th.

All comments dated from December 1st on will be eligible until the last prize is given away on the 15th.

If you are interested in purchasing a copy of my books for Christmas:  Managing Stress with the Help of Your Catholic Faith or Catholic Family Boot Camp go to http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_noss?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=Mary+Lou+Rosien&x=12&y=19 

Good luck in the contest and Advent Blessings to all.


 

 

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Interview: Deaf Catechist, Kathy Murphy

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In God’s Hands

By Kathy Murphy

As told to Nancy Baum

I was born in Pittsburg Pennsylvania.  I have four brothers, one is deaf like me.  When I was little I went to CCD classes for the deaf on Monday which was taught by a nun who did not know sign language.  She only spoke to us and expected us to read her lips.  It was difficult to understand her. She wrote “Jesus” on the chalkboard.  She handed me the chalk and indicated that I was to trace over the letters J-e-s-u-s.   With the chalk I traced over the letters.  She pointed to the crucifix and said, “Again.”  I traced over the letters, and she pointed to the crucifix.  This continued a few more times.  I did not understand what “Jesus” meant, nor did I understand what she was trying to teach. My grandma Marian was my first real Catechist. She did not know sign language, but she taught me a lot about being Catholic by her example, and her reverence.  I watched her faithfulness during Mass every Sunday. There wasn’t an interpreter for the deaf, but I truly enjoyed being at Mass.  I remember when I was six years old. She showed me a crucifix, and treated it with such deep respect, that I knew in my heart this was something very special.  She gave me a little statue of Mary which I carefully placed in my bedroom. I placed buttercups and violets around her which I had picked from my backyard.  My grandma knelt in front of the statue. I copied her behavior as I put my hands together, and closed my eyes. I moved my mouth as if I was praying.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I knew nothing about my Catholic faith.  But I loved my grandma and I copied her reverence.  I felt strongly in my heart that the Catholic faith was important in my life.

When I was a child, Father Walsh would tell me many Bible stories and parables.  He was a hearing Priest, but he was a skilled signer.  Although I became familiar with some of the stories from the Bible, I wasn’t taught catechism. So I still did not know my Catholic faith.

In 1992 I went to College at Gallaudet University in Washington, D.C.   My teacher, Father Jerry, was hearing, but he too was skilled at signing. I didn’t have enough Catholic catechesis to make a connection with what he was trying to teach.  I truly felt at this time I was being called by God to be a Catechist for the Deaf.  But I did not even understand the Catholic faith myself.

Since 1982 I have been on five Cursillo’s.  The first four, I went because I felt it was my duty to go.  I went with the wrong attitude, and got nothing out of it.  The last Cursillo I went to I enjoyed very much.  I felt inspired being around other enthusiastic Catholics.

I’m currently enrolled in a program called “Ministry Formation Program for Catholic Deaf Adults” in Chicago, Illinois.  MFP has helped me out tremendously in teaching me my Catholic faith and training me to be a Catholic leader in ministry.   In addition, MFP has taught me certain key personality types, and how to incorporate this in teaching children.

In 2008 I had my own CCD class of Deaf students. I used some of what I had learned from the Ministry Formation Program to help my students to grow in their Catholic faith. I was preparing them for First Holy Communion.  I would act out Bible passages with them.  With the Deaf students you need to use big gestures and be an actor. I used many pictures to help them to understand their catechism.  I would have them draw pictures so I could see if they were grasping a concept.  I would ask them many questions to make sure they understood the lesson. I used modeling to demonstrate to them how to behave in line and receive Communion.  I analyzed my student’s personality types and assigned them different tasks in the classroom.  For example, I would have one student pass out papers for me, while another student would help me act out a Bible story.

This year I’m co-facilitating a “Why Catholic” class which is an adult program that our Bishop wants our Diocese to take part in.  We use PowerPoint in this class as a tool to show our adults pictures that would aid them in understanding their lessons.

Father Ken, a hearing priest who knows sign language, is my Spiritual Director.  I’m learning a lot from him, and he is learning from me also.  He guides me in my goals on how best to serve the Deaf community.

Steve, a deaf friend of mine, has completed the Ministry Formation Program and he is ministering to the Deaf in Dallas, Texas.  He comes to my “Why Catholic” class because he is so interested in learning more about the Catholic faith.  He and I work together in assisting the Deaf Catholics in our Dallas/Fort Worth area.  One problem we are working on is getting more harmony between Hispanic and Deaf culture.  Many of the Hispanic Deaf children have hearing parents who can only speak Spanish.  They are entrenched in their culture.  Steve and I are working on teaching these children their faith and respecting their parents’ culture.

I encourage our Deaf adults to get involved with the Ministry Formation Program in Chicago.  I also encourage them to go on a Cursillo.

Melissa, a Deaf middle school teacher, and I will be teaching a Mass reading class next year.  The purpose is to make sure our Deaf understand the readings.  Many times our Deaf will sign the readings for our Deaf Community Mass, and misunderstand some of the vocabulary.   It is our goal that our class will help our Deaf have a much better understanding of the readings from Mass.

 

Kathy Murphy is a catechist at St. John the Apostle Catholic Church in North Richland Hills, Texas. Contact Cursillo organizers at: http://www.natl-cursillo.org/

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Putting on a Fresh View for the New Year

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A friend of mine recently called me quite distressed. Her wonderful three year-old son was being evaluated for speech, sensory and possible autism spectrum related disorders. She was experiencing that kicked-in-the-gut feeling, even though she had suspected something was wrong for quite a while.

I couldn’t help blurting out, “You just got a get out of jail free card!” She pressed me for an explanation of such a strange comment, while joking with me that she didn’t know why she kept me around.

I told her that her world vision was about to change. She would no longer feel social pressure to force her child to endure situations that were intolerable to him (or for that matter, for her). She had been trying to fit her son into “normal” situations that initiated meltdowns, frustrations or simply exhaustion for him. I explained to her that she was just about to put on a fresh pair of glasses and view the those experiences in a new light.

Following the holidays she called me back and said that I had been right. After a particularly wonderful day, they had been invited over to someone’s house for a party in the evening. In the past, she would have felt obligated to attend. This time, however, she looked over at her darling son. He was happy, content and almost ready for bed. She anticipated packing him up, along with his three siblings, going outdoors and into a crowded family party and chose, without guilt or regret, to say, “No.” They had a peaceful, beautiful night and she was grateful for the ability to evaluate the situation and decide it would have been detrimental to her son.

As parents and Catechists, we too can look at 2011 with a fresh view. Do we push (even our normal) children and students into situations that are distressing to them? Have we looked around lately and evaluated the stressors that are present in their environments and removed them if at all possible? A new perspective can help in making 2011 a better, more productive and less stressed year.

May God bless you abundantly this year, Dear Reader.

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Keeping the Eyes of my Heart Open

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There is a line in the movie, Forrest Gump, where a young girl prays, “Lord, please give me wings to fly far, far away.”  I often feel like that when my darling daughter is having a meltdown.  My reason and logic goes out the window, flying away… like I wish I could.  I know she is disabled.  I know she cannot be reasoned with right now.  I know it’s not my fault, but my heart does not believe a word of it.  She can be mean to me, abusive in fact.  She’s only eleven, cognitively delayed, with a mild form of autism and an emotional dysregulation disorder and I should cope better, but sometimes I don’t.

In these moments I need to ask for God’s grace to see my daughter as He sees her.  He has a purpose for her life.  My students teasingly call her my ‘saint maker.’ She will teach me to be patient, a virtue I do not possess. She keeps the focus off me and she will move me a step closer to heaven.

When I can close my eyes, and emotionally remove my self from the chaos, I can see her sweetly saying her prayers.  I ponder how she carefully she plays with the younger boys next door.  I reread the sweet letter she wrote to her daddy and me on our anniversary,

“You are not the parents who fight.  You are the parents who love each other very much.  Even when you are having a bad day, you are kind to each other.” I wonder when she observed that and how she knows?

When I remember to pray, breathe and ask for the grace to see her as God does, I am absolutely amazed at her beauty.  She is precious, special and almost perfect in her pure love for God and for us. Please, Lord, keep the eyes of my heart always open and remain, in each of us.

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Adapting to the Special Needs Student

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When educating students with disabilities it is important to recognize that they may not absorb and understand information in the traditional way.  With this in mind, there are a few ways to maximize their learning experience.

1/ Ask, Observe and Identify.  People learn in three basic ways, auditorially (through hearing information), visually (seeing information) and tactically (feeling information).  Ask the child’s parents if they have noticed which style of learning works best for their child.  If the catechist needs additional information, consider spending some time observing the child.  Do they respond in a question and answer period?  Do they enjoy looking at the pictures in their catechism book?  Do they want to touch and feel everything on the Altar when you take a tour of the Church?

  My own son, who does not happen to be learning disabled, is very visual.  His teacher remarks that he rarely writes a story without putting pictures in the margins.  She has observed that the pictures seem to help him process and plan his story out, so she encourages him rather than asking him to stop doodling.

2/ Work a curriculum for the student around their learning style.  For example, we used to have Rosary flash cards for my kids.  Every mystery had a picture they could meditate on while we prayed that decade.  If he’s tactile, consider making things out of clay to demonstrate meaning.  Auditory, don’t have the child read, but have a parent read to them. Don’t give them written tests, just verbal ones.

3/ Recruit some help.  Faith Formation teachers are volunteers and often don’t have the time or training to specialize their lessons for a child with a disability.  Consider placing an aid in the classroom or even a one-on-one aid for the child.  This will move the class along without making the teacher’s job more difficult than it can already be.  There may be a special ed. teacher in your parish who is not willing to teach a class, but may be willing to work with one child.

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