At our parish in Upstate NY, our priest is a big believer in Cursillo (a three day course in Christianity, which often provides a life-changing event). My husband and I have both made Cursillo and found it to be a spiritually enriching experience.
One of the focuses of this experience is to make the participants more aware of God’s hand in their everyday lives. Part of the way we do this is by reflecting on what our closest moment to God was in that particular day, week, or month.
My closest moment to God this month was when I was awaiting a possible diagnosis of bone cancer. My focus changed in those days. I thought of how I could possibly leave all the people I loved, if that was what was the outcome. I counted the blessings in my life. I felt guilty about the pain that might occur if I had to go through a difficult illness, not for myself, but for my friends and family. I considered the question; Do I really trust God with all of this?
One of the biggest changes I experienced during those few days was thinking about my family’s need to be prepared. My focus shifted from “raising my children,” to “raising my children to live without me.” I especially considered the struggles my special needs daughter would face. Had I given her the tools to live without me? Had I let her daddy have enough information and an active enough part in her growing up so that he could continue to raise her without me? Not really.
That’s where the closest moment came in. I am here now. I can ask the Lord to give me the tools and wisdom to change what I need to. None of us know how long we have, so that reminder is a positive outcome of this challenge.
I do not have bone cancer, although I do have some significant challenges in the days ahead. But I will take these lessons and hold them in my heart. I am grateful for the moment when I had to question my life. I am grateful for my family and will try to better prepare them for the future, regardless of anything else. I will trust God to show me the way.